if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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