Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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