The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
