If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's a Shit stain on my heart
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
