im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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