I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
