Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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