I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
