The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
