New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dick very happy bro
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
