I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
