so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
