She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Barsexuality is the new black.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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