i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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