I just made out with a guy for $7.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
