If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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