I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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