Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
