I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
