Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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