My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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