Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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