I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
