My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
