I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My liver just broke up with me...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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