i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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