Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
