I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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