tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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