when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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