You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
so much tequila, so little girl.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
