im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize