You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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