just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
