just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
