did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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