i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
