i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
