In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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