I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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