toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You can't motorboat a personality
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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