Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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