your thong is hanging out like whoa
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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