We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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