Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
