Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
