I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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