She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
