Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
