We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
