I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
